It was Winston Churchill who first coined the phrase the black dog ~ it was what he called his depression. And it’s a metaphor that really works and in many ways makes it easier to try and understand what Depression is like to live with. Although my best friend Tanya made a good point when she said that Depression is like childbirth ~ you can have someone tell you all about it and understand it on an intellectual level, but until you’ve gone through it, you really don’t get it.
I’ve always had Sparky ~ my black dog ~ but I didn’t realize he was there until my late 20’s when my Dr discovered him. And then began the process of learning how to care for Sparky ~ my black dog. The first thing I had to do was accept the fact that Sparky would always be a part of my life and that having Sparky was not a character flaw, a weakness or my fault. I was never a dog person and accepting the fact that I now had one of my own was a long and difficult process. And Sparky is a very picky eater. He’d eat a certain food for awhile and then decide that he didn’t like it and act up. And then the search for a new food would begin again. And this would be after Sparky was given different portions of the same food. When he continued to act up, then a new food would be looked at as a possibility. Different foods at different portions, all the while trying to keep Sparky under control.
That’s the other reality of having a black dog. Even when he has the food he likes at the right portion he can still act up. Often for no reason at all except that he feels like it. And most people don’t care for being around an unruly dog ~ even when they know that you are doing your best to contain him. And even when he is behaving, he is always at your feet. You just do your best not to trip on him or wake up him and have him get too active. Looking after Sparky is a tricky business. When people realize you have a black dog you often are then in a position of explaining to them what having a black dog is really all about. It can be extremely difficult to accept you have a black dog when others are always questioning his presence. And Sparky himself adds to the questioning. He’ll try his best to control me. When he is acting up, he gets bigger than me, overshadowing me until even I feel invisible. And the bigger he gets the stronger he gets. The tricky part is knowing when he’s about to get stronger. Recognizing the signs of agitation. Accepting the oncoming, and often inevitable, period of bad behavior.
But there are things I can do to rein in Sparky as much as I can. I make sure that I have a professional trainer to help me when Sparky acts up. I do my best not to listen to Sparky when he tells me that his presence is shameful and I should just hide him and myself away. Sparky tells me that merely having him makes me unworthy. He wants to me the master and control me. It’s a balance between knowing he will act up and working not to allow him complete control. When Sparky is in control it is easy to allow him that control, to let him call the shots and submit to his will. At these times Sparky doesn’t like to go outside, see other people, eat, sleep or even take care of basic hygiene. He even barks at my partner, scaring him and keeping him back. Some friends are so scared of Sparky they never come back.
And Sparky has offspring and they tend to wake up when he does. Generalized anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, PTSD……..and they require a different diet than Sparky. And the diets themselves can be just as hard as having Sparky. Decreased libido, hand tremors, increased need for sleep, the sensation of being muffled from the rest of the world. Other than when Sparky is acting up, the time I feel his presence the strongest is when I have to feed him. It is a daily reminder that he is with me and he will always be with me. You can’t put a black dog down. You can do your best to control him but you’ll never be rid of him. And I mean no gender bias when I call Sparky “him” ~ it’s just how I always thought of Sparky.
So exercise him. feed him properly. Take care of him as best you can but accept that he’ll always be there. Accept that there will be times when you can’t control him. Accept that some people will never accept him. Do your best to explain Sparky’s presence to those that will accept him as part of your life. Inform others what it means to have a black dog. But most of all remember that having a black dog is not your fault. He is not a punishment and you should feel no shame in having him.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me either here or privately. I want people to know about black dogs and to hopefully educate them about black dogs. I am including a link for a book that is the best I’ve come across in living with a black dog. Simply written and with illustrations that also reflect the black dog’s presence, it is an invaluable book for showing others and yourself what living with a black dog is all about.
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